Recognise this? You’ve spent years working on yourself—therapy, self-help books, forgiving those who hurt you. You’ve done “the work.” Yet, in your relationships, whether with your partner, children, friends, or parents, certain patterns keep returning. Anger flares up out of nowhere, even when you believe you’ve moved on.
Estimated read time: 4 minutes.
That’s what a woman named Sophie (name changed for privacy) experienced. She had gone through years of therapy, where she learned to understand the abuse she endured as a child. She could speak about it calmly, even forgive the person who hurt her. But deep inside, something remained unresolved. Certain moments still triggered her so intensely that she didn’t recognize herself. She couldn’t understand why she shut down or lashed out over small things. It felt as if a piece of the puzzle was still missing. Then she discovered systemic work.
The Turning Point
Sophie entered her first one-on-one family constellation session with an open mind but little idea of what to expect. Her systemic coach began the constellation by taking her place, representing her in the field. Watching someone else embody her energy felt almost surreal.
When their eyes met, something powerful happened. What she saw wasn’t the adult she had become, but the child she once was, angry, lonely, scared, and overwhelmed. A child who had felt abandoned and unseen. The coach invited Sophie to step into the constellation as her adult self and meet that younger part of her. At first, she froze. How could she face a part of herself she had spent decades avoiding?
Step by step, she moved closer. But her body resisted, waves of discomfort rose within her. Sadness pressed on her chest, her back ached, her head felt heavy. It was as if an invisible wall kept her rooted to the ground. When she was finally ready, she held a pillow as if it were that little girl. At first, it felt unbearable. Resistance, shame, and anger surged through her. But slowly, something shifted. The anger melted into love. Her heart broke open, in the best way possible. Warmth flooded her body, filling spaces she hadn’t even known were empty. For the first time, she felt complete.
Understanding Anger
Through this experience, Sophie learned something profound: anger isn’t the problem. It’s an emotion with purpose, a messenger that signals where attention or healing is needed. Anger can even become a healthy force when expressed safely: in movement, dance, or practices like Osho Dynamic Meditation, where the energy of anger is released rather than suppressed. But when anger becomes a recurring pattern, when it keeps spilling into relationships, it’s usually a sign that something deeper is asking to be seen.
In Sophie’s case, her anger wasn’t about her partner or her daily frustrations. It came from a much younger part of her—the child who had carried pain and injustice alone. Systemic work helped her meet that part instead of fighting it, revealing that beneath the anger was grief, and beneath the grief, love.
The Integration
Her systemic coach encouraged her to stay connected with that younger part after the session. Sophie began a simple daily ritual: meditating twice a day while holding a small teddy bear as a symbol of her inner child. This practice became an anchor. It reminded her to listen, to comfort, and to stay connected with herself.
Over time, the anger that once controlled her softened. When she felt triggered, she paused and checked in. More often than not, she realized it was her younger self asking for reassurance. Her relationships began to change, too. She became gentler with her children, less reactive with her partner, and more open with her parents. Even her friendships deepened, now rooted in authenticity rather than defense. The missing piece, she realized, had never been in her mind. It had always been in her heart.
A Deeper Kind of Healing
Sophie’s story shows that healing isn’t only about understanding or analysis. Cognitive therapy had helped her make sense of her past, but systemic work allowed her to feel and integrate it. Through the constellation process, she discovered that her anger was not an enemy, but a protector, a loyal part of her psyche that had guarded deep pain for years. Once that part was acknowledged, her body could finally relax.
Systemic work bridges what therapy often leaves untouched: the emotional and embodied roots of our suffering. It doesn’t aim to fix the past, but to bring what was hidden into light—so that love and life can flow freely again.
An Invitation
If you’ve done years of personal work yet still feel stuck in repeating emotional patterns, systemic work might offer the missing piece. It can reveal the deeper layers beneath what you already understand, showing you not just why something happens, but where it lives inside you.
Healing is not just about forgiving or letting go. It’s about reconnecting, with every part of yourself, especially the ones you’ve tried to forget. And if anger has been your companion, remember: it’s not a flaw. In the right environment, it can become your greatest guide, pointing you straight toward the part of you that’s ready to heal.
